Okay, not exactly. There’s a lot of talk about countries that aren’t America recently, what with everything going on in Congress and overseas. Our lawmakers in the Capitol recently voted to automatically register every American man aged 18-26 for the draft. Amidst this outcry about war and conflict, we hear a common refrain: Americans don’t want to send their sons to die in a foreign country, be it Ukraine or Israel or Papua New Guinea.

That’s fair. It’s the right way to view the world. Our kids are our future, and we shouldn’t be sending them to endless fights in countries most people couldn’t find on a map. But, hear me out on this – couldn’t a lot of our young “men” use some time in the military?

Part of the crisis of masculinity in America is rooted in the crisis of adolescence. Extended adolescence, to be more precise. This country’s 20-somethings are living with their parents, going through extra schooling rather than starting a career, and failing to pursue romantic relationships and family-building at a rate we’ve never seen before in history. 

As Dean Wormer told Flounder in Animal House, “Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life.” 

For all the talk about Israel since October, one thing that’s interesting about the country is their mandatory service requirement for virtually all citizens. Not only does this prove useful in the event your country finds itself suddenly in a war – with your entire population being trained in basic combat – but if you listen to Israelis speak, it fosters a sense of national unity and makes their kids grow up.

So no, we absolutely shouldn’t be shipping our sons off to pointless wars. But having our high school graduates do a year or two of mandatory service before we ship them off to the Hamas Comms Team Factories that are modern universities? That could solve a lot of problems we’re facing. 

It doesn’t have to be military service, either. The hippies could join the Peace Corps. The kids could go work as a farmhand (and maybe that way we wouldn’t have to hire so much seasonal migrant labor.) Women who aspire to start a family rather than pursue a corporate career could become domestic au pairs. 

If the kids won’t grow up themselves, perhaps we need to make them. What better way than handing them over to a drill sergeant?